Hey Lucas. I have a friend who came out as being trans a few years ago, and I have no issue with that whatsoever. However, I am having a bit of difficulty in transitioning from saying "him" instead of "her" and using his chosen male name. It's been a few years since he's come out, and I want to call him by what he prefers, but I've known him for a long time and it seems that old habits die hard. He says he doesn't mind what I call him, but I want to make him feel comfortable. Advice?
Old habits do die hard, so repetition is the key. Use his name and pronouns excessively. By this I mean in situations where you’d normally leave out a pronoun or name (“Could you pass me the salt?”) include the pronoun or name (“Lucas, could you pass me the salt?”).
Lucas. Im scared. See, Im mormon. My parents are mormon and they believe that gay people go to hell. Ive been on and off coming out and telling them I think im gay, and then telling them nevermind im not. its only because Im so scared of going to hell. But i know deep down im a lesbian. I dont want my parents to shun me. Im 15. but I just feel right when im with a girl. I had a gf before. I had realy strong feelings for her. My parents found out and told her parents. Now were not even friends.
I love this quote for religious situations:
" How many more gay people is God going to have to create before we realize that they are meant to be here?". Fact is that gays and lesbians live very successful, wholesome and fulfilling lives. If they were destined for hell, then they’d be causing some negative impact on those around them. The only "negative" impact is caused by reactions TO gay people from those who don’t misinterpret what it means to be a righteous person.
But I digress XD
We have no control over who we fall in love with (if we did then it wouldn’t really be love). The fact that you know that you’re a lesbian despite religious pressures is further proof that this is your heart talking. A coworker of mine comes from a very religious family. Her older brother is gay, and he used to pray every night and ask God to make him straight. Eventually he came to terms with his sexuality, but he still remains a highly devout Christian. You can be both without contradicting your core beliefs. Issues such as sexuality in the Church are by no means pivotal to any religion.
If you feel that it is unsafe for you to come out, then know that this is a perfectly respectable decision. Your parents don’t necessary need to know the details of your romantic/sexual life anyway, that’s very intimate stuff. If and when you do decide that you want to come out to them, make sure that you do have a failsafe plan. A friend or relative who is sympathetic to your cause who you can go to should things at home go bad is never a bad idea. Keep in mind that their first reaction will not be their last. It sometimes takes years for parents to begin to tolerate (or accept) a child’s sexuality or gender, but this is their struggle, not yours.
Hang tight :) it’s true what they say, it DOES get better
It's my boyfriends birthday tomorrow and his family is throwing a meal for him but I've not been invited. I dunno what to do whether to just turn up to the meal or not. His family know me since we've been going out for 5 years now but I don't want to seem like some sort of crazy stalker just turning up to this meal but I feel very hurt that I've not been invited. What should I do?/What would you do?
If it’s a family function then let it be a family function. Don’t crash it, that’s not fair to your boyfriend or his parents.
dear Lucas, I want to be a guy, but i'm afraid if i do get the surgery i'll lose a part of myself. did you feel this way?
Not at all. I mean, the night before surgery I had a brief “my body will never be the same” moment… but that really only lasted a second when I concluded that this was 100% what I wanted and needed.
You don’t need to have surgery or hormones to be a guy. Masculinity is a gender identity and it is not defined by physical sex. If you don’t feel comfortable, then don’t opt to medically transition. The choice is all yours :)
When you got a therapist, how much did they cost you in order to see them? And how much is hormone therapy? The reason I ask is because I am trying to find a therapists in my area so I can start the process, but I wanted to get an idea of how much they usually charge. Thankz for you time LucaXD
Because I live in Canada, and because I went through normal health care for all of my transition assessment, it cost me nothing. Some therapists will charge you money. Public health care can carry long wait lists, but therapists can cost a pretty penny. The therapist I was looking at for a while cost about $400 if I remember correctly (Dr. Preece).
Injectable testosterone costs me about $40 every 3-4 months. Again, I’m in Canada, so costs may vary.
Hey Luca. I am trying to get the courage to tell my mom that I'm trans/male, but I'm scared how she will act. I live with her and she is helping me pay for school so I'm afraid that will back it more difficult for her to cool down,always being around me and all. I have other friends and coworkers that understand and support me; the only thing left is to come out to my family. Any suggestions on how to do that given my circumstances? Thankz for you time XD
Family is often the hardest group of people to come out to for anything. First thing you have to know is that her initial reaction will not be her final reaction. It may start out bad, but over time small adjustments to habit and perception will be made. She may not ever accept your transition, but I find that most parents at least reach a point of tolerance.
As for how to come out, there is no correct or true way to come out. Try to relate the situation you YOU though. Don’t explain that you’re transgender, explain how you perceive your gender, why you perceive it this way, and maybe throw in some instances in your life as examples.
So I recently came out as trans to my mom. I hadn't intended to it just sort of slipped during an argument. She seems like she's upset about it, which I can understand but it's really starting to grind my nerves. She's told my family about it which has gotten me "in everyone's prayers" so that I "realize that God doesn't make mistakes." Family has started to make it a necessary thing to address me as "baby girl" every time I talk to them, and I've even had to sit through lectures. I don't know h
They’ll probably be at this for a while… and by “a while” I mean anywhere from 6 months to 40 years. Stick to your convictions. As long as you know who you are and are working toward that then their words are really just meaningless clusters of sounds. You don’t necessarily have to react or correct them when they call you “baby girl”. Simply don’t respond at all. Your not a baby and your not a girl so that phrase can’t possibly be directed at you. When people are trying to prove a point they want either agreeance or an argument. By ignoring them you are facilitating neither of these, so their attempts are essentially eggs being thrown at a brick wall. Stay calm, and if it comes to another lecture just maintain your stance.
And if God didn’t make mistakes we wouldn’t have the health care system… just sayin ;)
Hello ther! :D I just saw your new update video i youtube and am glad to see youre doing well ^_^ i wanted to ask, and if you dont want to answer thats cooliosos because its kinda weird, but which restroom do you use? I wasnt sure if you still had lower female parts or if something hapened and I blinked and missed it. But since youre passing as a male i had a thought if you went to the womens restroom it would seem abit odd lol :) I hope you do answer though and have a superspecial awesome day!
I'm having a bit of trouble detecting my sexual orientation. I'm very attracted to guys but every once in a while, rarely, i also find myself attracted to a girl. But the girls i'm attracted to also look very guy like. I just don't know what that makes me, straight or bisexual. Do you think you could help?
You seem to know exactly what your sexuality is Anon: you’re attracted to masculine people. That’s your type, your preference, and that’s all that sexuality really is. Sexuality is a composite of characteristics that we find preferable in partners. This includes many things, like if you have a thing for red-heads, lots of tattoos or great sense of humour.
You don’t have the conform to a label. In fact if you’re having troubles finding a label that suits you then disregard them all together. You don’t need to define your sexuality at all, and if you do need to define your sexuality it doesn’t have to be as straight, bi, gay, pansexual etc. You can simply say that your sexuality is that you go for masculine individuals.
Hey, I'm having a bit of trouble with my wigs, one in particular. When I put it on, it's not that it looks BAD exactly, it just looks kind of weird. It makes my head look a little big, and the wig itself tends to have a bit of a bump in the back. Should I get a wig cap or just keep playing around with it? It also looks pretty fake, which I think is because of the quality of the wig (not bad, just not meant to pass for real hair) that or the way it's placed on my head.
A wig cap (or two) is a good idea. I assume you have long hair? Try using a pretty stiff panty-hoe and cutting a hope in the top. Pull it down over your head to your neck then pull it up so that it pushes all your hair up (like a funnel. Then use a second wig cap (with no hole in the top, we’re talking traditional wig cap this time) to cover and press down the rest of your hair.
The “ponytail” bump can cause problems, but if your hair is not too long you can avoid it through this method.
hey lucas, how do you come out to yourself and accept it? i mean im a girl but i dont feel right or comfortable as a girl. whenever i have to go shoppin for girl stuff (clothes and whatever girl get) i get uncomfortable. i feel more comfortable in guys clothes or when people think im a guy, but then i get the feelin like i dont belong as a guy for other reasons. i start gettin the feelin like i dont belong as a girl or a guy. i just dont know what to do anymore.
Gender is not decided by clothing, I really can’t say this enough. Clothing is arbitrary. It’s like music in that it’s impossible to say that one type of music is better than another because it all depends on individual preferences. If you like to wear “guys” clothes, then that’s totally fine. “Guys” clothes aren’t really CLOTHES FOR MEN ONLY. They’re just a style of clothing that is marketed toward men based on general preferences in the populace. Sort of like how Disney music is marketed toward kids, but we all know that a lot of adults like Disney music as well.
You don’t have to align yourself with a gender. Gender is a spectrum, so you can fall anywhere in between the two poles. In fact, I’d wager that very few people can say that they are 100% male or 100% female. We’re all a little in between in my opinion.
“(In response to critics of Transgender hormone therapy and surgery on the basis that it is “unnatural”) There are many things in medicine that you could argue aren’t natural conditions, but we fix them. For example, maybe if you were born with diabetes you were supposed to die from hyperglycemia. As a doctor am I supposed to say that giving you insulin is unnatural? No. That’s not my oath.”—Dr. Johanna Olsen
Hey Lucas i know this might seem like a weird question but i was wondering how did you make the Sora wig? I've been trying to cosplay as him for a while but i can never seem to get the wig right. Can you help me with the wig?
The wig took me a few tries, primarily because of the spikes at the side and at the back. The big factor is a good base wig. A “Punky” from Cosplay.com shopping (or a similar Punky-style wig) is a good bet.
The key to styling Sora is to damage-and-shape. By this I mean spray some hair spray into the wig then loosely style the wig into the shape you want. Use pins/props to support the shape and let it dry. Once dry comb and backcomb the wig, then repeat. After a few times the wig should start to maintain the general shape you want. At this point your are NOT spiking, so don’t worry if it all looking fluffy and messy.
Give it a nice comb-out then start spiking. Use hair gel sparingly, and focus on using it to twist the tips of the spikes. Hair spray should be used to hold most spikes together, it’s lighter and will not weigh down the wig or gives spikes that shellacked look. You don’t have the spike everything, especially if you’re going for a more natural look. You can use hair spray to hold the “shaped” parts of the wig together and they will turn out looking very nice and natural (this is especially good for the side spikes on Sora).
Once you’ve satisfied, cut away extra hair and generally give the wig a “clean up”.
Sorry if this is confusing, but it’s hard to explain wig styling in text ^^;
Hey Lucas! This might be a stupid question, but I'm 15 and cosplaying for the first time. I'm sewing it myself and my parents are okay with that, but how do I explain that a wig is pretty necessary? I can afford it, but I think they'll think it's just weird to want one, whereas in reality it's common and needed. Thanks!
Wigs can seem weird or freaky to a lot of people, specifically parents. Equate cosplay to costuming and show your parents examples of costuming in movies and/or plays where wigs are required. Off the top of my head Bella’s hair in Twilight is a wig (same with Jacob’s now that I think about it). Wigs aren’t uncommon at all in theatre, movies, performance, modelling etc. And that’s essentially what cosplay is. It’s costume making/modelling/(sometimes)theatre performance.
I know this is kinda ignorant, but wanting to be a different gender is different then being trans, right? Trans is being born the wrong gender, just wanting to be another gender is a diff thing, yeah?
I’ve never thought of it that way, but I suppose that that is a good way to put it in perspective. There is a difference between transitioning and wanting to be the opposite gender.
There’s a concept called “anima” or “animus” that explains this fairly well. In this theory, the subconscious male is expressed as feminine and the subconscious female is expressed as masculine. We express the conscious qualities of our gender, but subconsciously we express the qualities of the opposite gender. It’s a “where there is matter there is also antimatter” sort of deal.
If you think along the lines of this theory, it becomes reasonable to think that most people will express some form of interest in being the opposite gender.
Being transgender is different, I believe, because it’s not an interest, fantasy or desire. It just IS. A transman doesn’t want to be a man, he is a man. Just as cisgender men don’t WANT to be men, they just ARE men.
That’s my take on it anyway…
Your question wasn’t ignorant in the least, in fact I think it was extremely thought provoking!
My boyfriend decided that he will get his chest surgery done first before he begins his hormones. i was wondering if this would affect him in anyway as he takes it later on :/. what would you suggest he should do?
Love anon. <3
The order doesn’t really matter, Anon. No worries :)
I’m fairly sure that both companies ship to the UK. I’ve used binders from both companies, however I highly suggest Underworks’ “Ultimate Chest Binder” (I think they call it “extreme” now, as opposed to the “suit”… it’s been a while since I’ve bought a binder XD).
Hello Lucas my name is Chinyere I just found out about you recently and I am so wishing that I knew you. It's so hard to have so much in common with someone I've never met. I was wondering if there was any chance of you ever coming to a anime con in Nebraska or is that too far away? I would love to meet you even though we live so far apart I would just adore knowing you a little better.
We can’t finance a trip to Nebraska I’m afraid, we can’t afford the plane tickets :( I’d love to go back. I did go to Nebraskon when was living in Wisconsin for school. it was a really cool con and I met lots of really cool people! Specifically I remember a Gaara, Temari and Kankuro who I hung out with for most of the con. There was also an L who was really awesome to talk to. Ah memories!
Heyy, I'm ftm but pre-everything, and it's gonna be a while before I can start T. I never ever pass as male, I dress masculine but still have a feminine side I dont want to loose, I was just wondering if you have any advice for dealing with the public and trying to be seen as male without telling everyone I'm trans, or loosing the feminine side of me? I'm trying to not care as much but it's still so frustrating when people refer to me as female. Thanks for reading :)
Many more feminine guys run into this problem, and unfortunately there is no simple solution. You can argue that the world is too judgemental of gender all you want but the fact is people will call gender as they see it. We are brought up in a society that conditions people to assume (gender, age, religion, social status, wealth) at a glance as part of common courtesy. If someone is more gender ambiguous, the tendency is to assume female because androgyny comes easier to females.
This is part of the reason why I changed my name from Kai to Lucas. Kai is unisex. So when i used Kai it wasn’t always 100% clear what gender i was which lead to people second guessing my gender instead of confirming it. That was just how it worked out for me, and now I will say that I am much more comfortable introducing myself as Lucas rather than Kai. It’s like my name is a safety net in case I don’t 100% pass appearance wise (that’s how I rationalize it anyway).
You don’t have to lose your feminine side at all, but if not passing is bugging you then in order to pass you may have to choose not to wear those feminine hairstyles or feminine shirts/jeans (or whatever you meant by feminine side… I’m not quite sure XD). You could also correct people when they do mis-gender you, but that doesn’t really help with first impressions.
It won’t be this way forever, but every trans-person (actually every PERSON) goes through an awkward stage where it’s a struggle to convey who they are to others. Hang in there :)
If you don't mind my asking, what are you having done during the revision?
Having some excess tissue taken out on my right side (you can usually see it a bit in pictures). Having a “lift” done to pull the skin up some more (get rid of the slight “wrinkle and droop” and moving the nipples up a bit. Also hoping to get my nipples made a bit smaller since this time the surgeon will have to make an incision around the entire areolar instead of just half.
I came out to three of my friends a few weeks ago about my questioning my gender identity, and I don't know if what I did was right or not.
After coming out, we spent a few hours just talking about it. During this time, they were very careful about assuring me that they still loved, cared, and were not condemning me. However, they were also making it clear that God made me a "young woman" and that I'm just confused or struggling with something. They're more, you could say, "traditional" Christians. Now, I don't disagree as it could easily be a phase in my life considering my age, but after talking with them I felt even more confused than I had before. Should I be feeling further confusion?
I'm not ashamed of who I am, whatever that is, I'm just scared of losing what I have because of it. But since coming out I've been feeling anxiety about the whole thing rather than relief at finally having someone to talk to about this. Is that normal?
Finally, I plan on seeing a therapist when I'm eighteen if these feelings don't go away. I'm not prepared to come out to my parents yet, hence the waiting part. But in the mean time, could you point me towards online resources for youth questioning their gender identity, and maybe some on trans youth as well?
Here’s the awesome thing about questioning your gender identity, you’re supposed to be confused XD Furthermore, the awesome thing about adolescence, being a teen and growing up is that confusion is the key element. No one knows who they are at 16. Hell, at 16 I was a drastically different person than I am now. It’s ok to be confused. In fact I would venture to say that it’s good to be confused, normal even.
Think about it in terms of working out. You don’t gain muscle by doing the easy workouts, you gain muscle by pushing yourself. This discomfort, insecurity and doubt is good because it forces you to think and take a deep look into who you are, the world around you and how that all fits together.
There’s no rush to “decide” on your gender, in fact it’s something that can’t be forced. If you’re trying to fit yourself into a box then you’re not really discovering anything about you. You’re just tailoring yourself to an image when, in fact, you should be tailoring an image to you.
Most of all remember that there is not just female and male out there, there’s a whole spectrum of gender identity: third-gender, no-gender, androgynous, genderqueer, bi-gender… I know many people who have found solace in these terminologies.
Keep talking about it, keep thinking about it, and in the meantime just let go of the labels and all that jazz and just be you. The answer will come in time :)
I really suggest Susan’s Place: http://www.susans.org/
They have great links and really supportive and informative forums. I got an account there while I was struggling with coming out to my parents. A wonderful woman helped me out by sharing her story with me.
I'm sorry to trouble you, but, can I ask for your thoughts?
Basically I fell in love with my best friend, after I came out to her as gay, she was perfectly fine with it, because I told her I wouldn't think that way about her. she said nothing would change with our friendship. Which I'm grateful for. I just feel like I was born the wrong gender, cause she's straight and she mentioned before in passing something about marrying guys named such and such, then she said Matthew. Which was the name I would have been given had I been a boy. To be honest that kinda annoyed me. But I don't really know what to take from this.
Any thoughts would be appreciated, thank you either :)
You can’t change your gender for the sake of another person. Think about this carefully and try to remove her from the equation. If you get a sex change, it will not mean that she will fall in love with you. I say this because your worries seem to gravitate around this girl, not your gender (looking at the content of your message it’s mostly about her).
You told your friend that you don’t feel the way you do about her… have you thought about telling her the truth? Ask her if she could feel about you the way you feel about her if you were male (even just hypothetically). Even just opening up dialogue about your feelings with her might be a source of relief.
Nothing is ever resolved by keeping secrets. You need to ask a question to get an answer!
Does it take you long to think about these questions that people ask you or does the answer just roll from your brain onto the keyboard? You seem to write a frickin' novel XD No offense intended.
The reason I can’t answer all the questions I get is because it often takes me a while to formulate a response (particularly with more sensitive questions). When I do type those responses I go into essay mode… hence the novels XD